I never thought to question my accomplishments based on some ulterior motive from those around. The sweat on my back at the end of the day reassured me that I was doing what I was — my job, executing for satisfaction. Yet, one dumb day I decided to confide in someone who I hoped would align me on a more progressive path in my career, only for them to highlight the possible shadow side of it all:
Was everything I’ve done and the people I’ve gotten to encounter, simply all a result of how I look? Was my trite yet inviting attitude & steel eyes the beginning of an entire facade?
My head spin, my knees buckled in weight of such a possibility. No, this cannot be, this isn’t twenty something years ago. But the thought had me thinking how “laid back” my duties felt. I thought my role was of an importance or at least, a helping hand in the best way. I grew nauseous by the days, eating my weight in pizza for the weekend.
Family reassured me how competitive life can be, and the people comprised of it. You have those who scrutinize appropriately, or those who eat the peach beautifully but will spit out the seed with such haste. Time allotted with an individual matters to this sweet soul of mine, for as I have no mind to sabotage others as I do so to myself enough.
Maybe their words weren’t knitted correctly, maybe I misunderstood on the barest level, but one thing I know is my sweat was never noted. Rare was there a full appreciation for my work, and you know maybe this is how my first “life lesson” is to be — don’t get your hopes up. Also, if you’re whatsoever unhappy, stop the task and move forward with what you find joy.
I wish there was more discussion of the swifts in life, how we can deathly hate something despite the love we once had for it or the random spark of picking up a new hobby. Lack of consistency makes you look unstable to others, which, shouldn’t. We’re all trying to find a reason to live on, and if my admirations change, so let my heart pump and bleed.
Pretty only gets you so far; you have to be functional or useful to an extent, at least that’s what I’m telling myself tonight.
Photo Credit: U-32